Smooth implies ice cream, jello, cool whip, fudgesicles, you get the idea. Sometimes it seems like everything during the course of my day revolves around food, what I have already eaten, what I am currently eating or wanting to eat and what I will eat later in the day.
Other days it seems like, the idea of smooth sailing represents merely a figment of my imagination. Kind of like the idea of normal. Smooth only usually applies to a span of a few minutes for me, vary rarely a day or week. Right now, smooth definitely does not describe how I feel about myself physically, emotionally or as a mother.
My skin is smooth but marred by stretch marks from pregnancy as well as fat gain. All I see when I look at my face in the mirror are the large pores on my nose and forehead making the skin on my face appear anything but smooth. Emotionally I feel like I am on a roller coaster. It is exciting to know that while I am getting at least 2 times the amount of sleep because of my new work schedule, the landscape of my mind feels nothing but wavy and full of dips and swells like the ocean. Some days my thoughts are positive and I feel like I can accomplish anything, other days it seems depression barged through my front door and made himself at home with no indication of leaving anytime soon. I seem to oscillate like a fan between a variety of thoughts and because I don’t share every little think on my mind with my husband he seems to think I have no worries and he is the one that has to think ahead for our family and plan. Amazingly enough, you would think after being with someone for 10 years, they would have a better understanding of the person they committed their life to but I feel sometimes like we are better roommates than spouses. How do you tell your spouse you don’t want to share your feelings because you don’t want to hear his negative criticism or how he would fix the issue. It’s the same reason I don’t truly share my struggle with food and how real it is with him because all I would hear is “well just stop, xyz”. Sorry I digressed onto a different tangent better for a different post. Needless to say, my mind has a lot of craters for my to get lost in or explore depending on my mood that day.
I love being a mother and wouldn’t change it for anything but there is no such thing as a regular day as any parent would tell you and a rocky day for me has turned into using the following phrases on a too regular basis:
- Don’t hit your brother.
- Don’t lay on your little brother, you will hurt.
- No, pinching hurts.
- No, we do not kick
- Did you boys lose your listening ears?
- Repeating instructions multiple times
You get the idea. I would almost prefer to go back to telling them, “No, you can’t eat the dog food.” It would be simpler. I feel like a horrible mother because it seems all I do is correct my boys all day. Now that I think about it, it seems like sometimes I am correcting them because that is what my husband would expect and not necessarily because I think they need correcting on something. Needless to say, as a mother I feel like I am continually dropping the ball.
Right now, I feel like every day is a rough ride in the Millennium Falcon. I know it will get better but it just won’t be today.