In the last month or so, I have tried to really turn my thinking around and instead of worrying about understanding and fixing the people closest to me, I have started to think about myself and truly doing what I need to do for me.
Several times now, in the last few months the idea of dreams, more specifically my dreams and what they are have come up for discussion. Yet every time the subject comes up of what MY DREAMS are my mind freezes and the first thought I have is:
I Don’t Have Any Dreams.
Then I just feel sad on top of guilty. How do I teach my boys to dream if I don’t have any dreams? Books say to think about what your untapped talents are, what are you passionate about, to think of what you want to be and then tell yourself that’s what you are even if it is the furthest thing from the truth. Still other books say to create a vision board and look at it everyday.
In truth, I think I’ve realized that I am so mired in the everyday stress of survival with two kids and one on the way plus a strained marriage, that I fail to look up and around me at my whole environment and appreciate what I truly have and dream about the future.
At 36, I figured I would already have an answer to the question:
What do I want to be when I grow up?
Fortunately or not, I don’t have that answer. What I do know is that I am not the same as I was 1 day ago, 1 year ago or 10 years ago.
And for that I am thankful. Moving forward in a positive and healthy direction emotionally and physically now becomes the most important thing and my biggest dream for the space of this moment.