There is no picture to go with what is circling through my brain. All the news surrounding #MeToo and dealing with the day to day of going through a divorce leave me frustrated and tired. The energy required to keep putting one foot in front of the other seems overwhelming and beyond my capability. Making sure my boys are taken care of pushes me through each day. Trying to stay one step ahead of what needs to be done even with help from family seems daunting.
Realizing that things within my marriage were so much worse than I knew 3 1/2 months ago when I left makes me mad. Why did I stay? Why did I let him do what he did?
Red flags as I think about our 11 years together become plentiful but looking back is always 20/20. Admitting that what he did was abuse is hard to take. Admitting that it pervaded every area and every room in our house and followed me everywhere is almost breaks me into pieces all over again.
I felt like I had been moving in the right direction and getting better and I am getting better. It’s the random moments like now where different things hit me and I realize that abuse from a spouse is so much worse than anything else but is probably believed less by those told of the abuse than of other types of abuse.
I used to think it would be easier if he just hit me. In my mind it seemed like that would make things clear cut and simple. Except that when your married, sometimes the hitting is more like “hitting”. It’s the snide comments and constant rhetoric spilling from his mouth that eventually wore me down. I don’t think I made eye contact with myself in the mirror for at least the last your of our marriage, probably longer than that. I had not thought about what that meant until after I left.
His voice still rolls through my head, especially as I type this because adjectives like dramatize, crazy, bitch and selfish are popping up and I know that it’s his voice saying those things because near the end those were his go to words to describe me when we argued. He always had an arsenal of go to catch phrases that still steam roll through my head and make an appearance in my behavior. I know that nothing gets better overnight but what has hit the hardest is that at the base, most physically intimate connection you can have with your significant other is where he hit home the most.
He would get mad because I wouldn’t initiate an physical intimacy with him but how can you feel desire for someone who spends most of the their time with you telling through their actions that you can’t do anything right, even keeping the house clean. Even when I would tell him I wasn’t interested and too tired it made him mad. I didn’t want him to touch me. I don’t know if I even had restful sleep for the last 2 years of our marriage because I always tried to stay on my side of the bed. It was the fear that if I touched him in some way while we slept he would push for intimacy.
I’ve come to realize that he had no respect for me or what I wanted and he never respected when I told him no.
So, you know what that makes him, right?